Lately, I’ve been pondering a lot about how important it is to develop gratitude in families, and especially how important it is for our children to develop an attitude of gratitude. Gratitude helps kids be optimistic and combats entitlement.
What is entitlement and why is it so rampant?
Entitlement in this sense is a feeling that I deserve certain things simply because I believe I should have them regardless of the work that I have put forth to acquire them. Some parents use the word spoiled when they describe their children with an entitled attitude. In more familiar terms, entitlement might sound like a child asking his mother, “Why don’t you buy me a phone? All of the other kids in 4th grade have one. Do you want your son to be the only kid in his class without a phone?” Or even worse, “I don’t want one of your old, used phones. Why can’t I get a new one? You always get new phones. Why don’t you care about your kids as much as you care about yourself?”
Why are so many kids developing an attitude of entitlement rather than an attitude of gratitude?
I think, at least in part, it may be due to many parents wanting their kids to have things that the parents didn’t get to have when they were growing up. And because the parents are at a place in life where they can buy the electronic device (or other pricy toy or gadget) the parents buy the item for their child looking forward to seeing how happy it will make them. Additionally, most kids are given these devices for Christmas or birthdays or for other occasions rather than putting forth the efforts to earn the devices or the money to purchase the expensive devices.
When parents give their children such a coveted device, parents may first see a brief time period of happiness and excitement, but relatively soon afterwards, parents start to notice how put off their child becomes or how annoyed and angry the child gets when the parent tells the child that it is time to put the device away. As a therapist and parent educator, I have heard parents share countless stories of how electronics cause the majority of fighting in the home up to and including kids threatening suicide if they don’t get to play their games.
Certainly, there is nothing wholly wrong with a child using a cell phone or having a game system in their home, but there is something to be said for the benefit that a child gets out of the struggle that the child goes through to earn those devices. In my experience, there is a big difference in attitude between children who earn their devices and children who are given their devices. Children who are given devices seem to believe that they somehow deserve the device whereas children who have worked hard over time to obtain the device often value the device more and seem to better develop the belief that if you want something then you need to earn it – which is the opposite of entitlement.
Here are some specific suggestions parents can do in order to increase gratitude and lessen entitlement in their homes.
1. Model gratitude
Modeling is one of the most powerful teaching tools that a parent has. You’ve heard the saying, “Actions speak louder than words.” Perhaps, nowhere is that adage truer than in parenting. When we model for our children gratitude by saying thank you often, telling others how much we appreciate them, and for offering prayers of gratitude, we model for our kids what it looks like and feels like to have gratitude.
2. Model and encourage giving
Beyond modeling gratitude, parents can also show gratitude by giving to others through service or through giving items to individuals that are really in need. This can be help kids gain a real perspective of what they have and how there are people who have a lot less than them.
3. Set up an allowance system
Helping kids develop a realistic view of what things cost and what it takes to save up to purchase the things they want can help lessen the attitude of entitlement. So how much should parents give their children for allowance? That is an easy answer – not enough. That is how much to give them. What ever would be enough, make sure that it is less than that. I often recommend starting young — at about age 3 — with maybe a dollar. Then, as kids increase their ability to do more chores, parents can increase the amount. However, I don’t suggest going over 3 dollars a week (yes, even for teenagers). If kids get enough allowance to buy the things they want, then there is no need for kids to figure out ways to earn more money to buy those things and it can actually increase entitlement rather than lessen it.
4. Limit money as gifts
Along the same lines as kids getting paid too much for allowance, if kids receive a lot of money as gifts they may develop an unrealistic view of the amount of work that is involved in earning what they received as a gift. Then, when they want things or have to pay for the monitory cost of mistakes, they can easily buy those things or pay for their mistakes and they may not experience what it truly feels like to hand over hard-earned cash that they have worked for to make a purchase or pay to repair a mistake.
5. Match big item purchases
When it comes to big-ticket items that kids want, parents have a great opportunity to help their kids learn to set a goal and work towards that goal in order to buy the item they want. To help kids be successful in this, parents can match the amount of the cost of the item making it possible for the kids to achieve their goal. When this suggestion is taken, I also suggest that parents pay for the taxes when buying the item so that the parent has put in more money then the child to buy the item. This way, parents have majority ownership and therefore are able to make rules and set expectations for the use of the item.
6. Buy experiences rather than stuff
I have heard it said, and I believe that there is a lot of truth to it, that you can’t spoil kids with you, you can only spoil kids with stuff. Rather than spending money on toys or gadgets that fade in and out in popularity, parents instead can spend the money that they would have spent on their children’s special occasions on having experiences that create lasting memories and strengthen family bonds. These memories can last well beyond the lifespan of a store-bought toy or gadget.
I hope that you found value in the suggestions listed above. I would encourage you to try some of the suggestions and see if it doesn’t lessen attitudes of entitlement in your children and increase feelings of gratitude.
Shiloh Lundahl, LCSW, is a child and family therapist in Gilbert and Mesa, Arizona. He is the founder of Parent Arizona and Counseling Services and is part of the Arizona Family Therapy Group.
He provides parenting classes using the Love and Logic curriculum, classes for parents of children with ADHD, step-parenting classes, and advanced trainings for foster and adoptive parents. He also provides in-home therapy in Gilbert, Mesa, Queen Creek, San Tan Valley, Chandler, and Tempe, Arizona.